Relieve Your Troubled Mind

Almost every client say that they are oppressed and feel uncomfortable. It is difficult to share affair story with others and all they can do is to endure. They feel shameful and do not find it possible to talk about it.

The troubles are
- affair of the spouse
- prolonged endurance in the marriage
- sex related problem and troubles
- selflessness and depression
- psychological anger and rage

These are the troubles of my clients to name a few. All the client have all different story and thus different troubles. What is troubling you?  You are troubled because you have experienced repeatedly suffer from affair problem, infidelity, violence and other conflicts
- lived for the happiness of your family and not for yourself
- thought endurance is the best policy for the peace of the family
- continuously fought because of differences and grudges
- faces sex related problems
- had personal issues

It is easy to find anyone who falls in one of these categories. Almost all of our clients have lived likewise. The problem for them is that they have

- Oppressed mind and hurt
- lost self-esteem and confidence
- found their life meaningless and unhappy
- uneasiness and conflict about future

If you are falling in any one of these lists, you have to

1. Release your oppressed mind by speaking out so that
- psychologically oppressed mind and hurt can be treated
- you will feel free in expressing anything and be encouraged
2. Regain your self-esteem and make a happiness for yourself so that
 - you will be able to make judgements by looking at things with an objective eye
 - you will feel happy
If you are able to follow these two things, you can be relieved from troubles and will be able to lead a happy life.

 

The Cheating Does Not Know How Much The Cheated Is Hurt

One of the most difficult thing for the cheated is the difference in understanding the hurt. In other words, the cheating husband does not know how much he has hurt his wife. The cheating wife does not know how much she has hurt her husband. This is why the betrayed falls into serious mental hurts.

If the cheating would actually feel the hurt the cheated has felt, he/she would never commit adultery again. Well, here is the thing. Pinch your partner. The partner will scream out of pain. However, you would not actually feel the pain. You would only guess from the actions and expression of the other. Your partner explains how much it hurts. But you can never feel the actual pain your partner felt.  

Thus the problem arises as the two have different understanding of the pain. Another problem is that understanding this difference is impossible. Thus, fight, violence, separation or divorce comes as the two partners insists their own opinion.

A wife is hugely hurt from the husband’s affair. A husband is under extreme stress. Man and Woman feel differently in affair problems because they have different psychology. This is why it is almost impossible to understand each other. If the pincher can feel the pain of the pinched, then he/she will apologize and will never pinch again.

On the contrary, the pinched, after having understood that the partner is not able to feel the pain, should try to make the partner to feel the pain and realize it. The core in solving the affair problem is the mutual understanding of the differences in man and woman.

Affair is not the beginning of marital issues

Generally, we say the affair means marriage problem or couple problem. Efforts are made through information searching or counseling so that the affair problem is solved and the depression or other psychological problems that are accompanied are treated. Especially the thought that the marriage is in trouble makes it harder and scary for the clients to be calm. It would be hard to swallow but the truth of the fact is that there has already been marriage problem may from a long time ago.

When you look back, something has changed from your spouse, especially regarding sex. In other words, there were symptoms or signs of warning that the marriage is in crisis. The real problem was that it was not noticed and was disregarded. It is so easy to prove this from thousands of counseling cases.

- Sex seems meaningless and not enjoyable
- indifferent and meaningless words
- self-centered thoughts rather than the understanding of the other
- no regard for what the other wants

These symptoms, left unchanged and prolonged, will lead to affair. Usually Sex problem which mostly develops into serious situation, is not dealt and the couple remains silent about this. Especially those couple who do not know sex well are exposed to bigger danger as they lack the ability to recognize the situation.

Marriage problem is not one-sided. It takes two to entangle. Marriage problem is caused by both the husband and the wife therefore it is wise for both of them to feel responsible in solving the marriage problem.

It has to be made clear however, the affair is not general marital issues. An affair is totally different from simple marriage or couple problem as it involves having sex with adulterer or adulteress and as it brings a death sentence to marriage. The answer to who is responsible is crystal clear. It is the cheater that is 100% responsible for the affair. We dare say the cheating husband is 100% responsible for his own affair. The husband is roughly 80% responsible even when his wife cheated or had an affair.

It’s never too late. It is wise to solve any kind of small marital problem and the problem of affair. Effort has to be made to set things right rather than having feeling of rage, trouble or hardships. When will you stop feeling rage, doubt about your husband / wife?

When will you stop fighting and quarrel?

Without recognizing the problem within yourself, it will be impossible to solve the affair problem. Without understanding the exact cause of the problem, a right solution cannot be found. Focusing on the affair itself will not solve the problem completely. Doing so will lead to endless fight and dispute, pointing fingers to each other. Both the husband and wife will be knocked down and the final decision will always be divorce as they say they have done everything they can. An affair problem is not a kind of a marriage problem. An affair problem is aftermath of total package of marriage problem.

Sex Closely Related In An Affair Problem

It is not an exaggeration to say that the affair problem is sex problem. If this not well understood, it is not possible to solve the affair problem. In other words, couple sex solution is the basis of an affair problem. The affair problem according to the analysis of the cases and most of the time evolves as the couple problem occurs. The cheater makes excuses saying that she or he fell in love with the adulterer or adulteress and say that they care and comfort each other and that they share common interest and so forth.

However, these excuses are the one of the ways to have sex with each other. In fact these words actually mean that they want to love each other since they had sex together. They came to understand each other because they had sex. They came to care and comfort each other because they had sex. If you reverse it and apply it to the couple relation it can also mean that they are not loving each other or they don’t care or understand each other for they are not enjoying sex each other.

Thus one can say an affair problem is closely related to couple’s sex problem. In other words, the adulterer / adulteress relation is nothing but having sex and without sex there is nothing there in it. Why do you rage, feel pain and get hurt? An affair can be solved quite simply but the problem is that no one really knows how. It is absolutely possible to feel loving again and be happy in life while having happy sex with your husband or wife.

In fact there are couples married for decades but still do not lose the feelings for each other. Our clients tell us that this is not possible and that they had been sexless for years. Married couples that have been married over 15 years enjoying sex three times a day and they still have feelings of love for each other, not to mention mutual understanding and caring. This is the couple’s happiness. Whether you believe it or not is not important because from the counseling results, there are so many happy couples who have already experienced this.

“How did you do it” “What is your counseling method or theory that you use?”

“How can it be possible that our couple relation has turned?”

Well, these are the things that are expected to happen during the course of affair counseling. One other thing about couple sex is the amount of intercourse or the duration of sex is not important at all. Sex does not mean simple act alone. Couple need to be taught to have proper and happy sex. Sex is neither secretive matter nor technical issue. If you deny that the affair problem is sex problem, then I can tell you the affair problem will never be solved.

 

Are you still in meaning relationshp with your spouse?

Not too many ask themselves this question once after getting married? People get married because they dream of happy future and because they are passionately in love. They try to make a happy family but what has happened?

Are you still passionate and do you still care about your spouse? Are you trusting your spouse and communicating with him/her? Can you still say that your spouse is the only for you? Let’s take a time and think. Are you the only one in his or her life? Do you need your spouse badly? Are you sharing your feelings and thoughts with each other? Are you enjoying sex between you two? Isn’t your spouse lonely because you are busy with work chasing after success? Aren’t you delaying happiness because of what is ahead of you? Isn’t your spouse having hard and painful time? Do not forget the first time you met each other. Do not forget the passion you had for each other.

Think of yourselves before blaming the fault of your spouse. Think hard and you will find that there are problems in yourselves. This way, you will find what to do to be happy together and find what changes you need to make first. Do not say that you don’t know. If you are without a spouse, do not give up. What you need is advice. They are necessary to find ways to become happy together again and to make changes within you first. It is never too late. Now is the time to make you and your couple to be happy.

Huband's Affair Brings Wife's Affair

It is only a matter of time that a husband’s affair leads to a wife's affair. The wife becomes an adulteress of another man. Wife gets extremely shocked when she finds out about her husband's extramarital affair. She feels deeply depressed such as to build hatred towards her husband as well as men in general. If not treated, she is very likely to be involved in an affair herself.

When a husband cheats, the wife is in deep shock and sense of betrayal. In such case, she tends to have hatred against men in general and might have serious depression. When this is not treated properly on time, it is very likely that the wife in turn will have an extramarital affair.

This is because she will have
- tendency to have revenge against her husband or other men
- arousal of excessive sex desire disorder
- will be independent from her husband
- the desire to be consoled and comforted and all these will move her mind towards any man that come across her and shows some kindness. She then believes that she is in true love by having a new passion for sex as she depends herself towards the new man. This is how wife affair happens.

It is a pity that the man’s kindness and consolation, support and heart-fulfilling words are only manifested to have sex with her. In order words, she does not recognize the fact that man is doing exactly the same kind of thing to her that her husband had done towards the adulteress. She sincerely believes that she is in love. In reality, to the eyes of others, she is an adulteress of another woman’s husband. If you are thinking that this will never happen to you, don’t be so certain of yourself.

A man does everything he can do to have sex with a certain woman, and the woman does not regard sex as important just to fill her heart and for satisfaction. They are in need of each other and that causes affair.

Are you hurt because your husband is having an affair? You have to have your hurt and rage treated and know the principle and the cause of husband’s affair so as to solve the problem thoroughly. This is also necessary so that you would not turn yourself as an adulteress and live happily with your husband together. Even if you are divorced, this will provide you a right eye and tools for judging the new man that you will encounter in your life so that you can be happy again. Do not disregard the importance of being treated and applying for counseling sessions.

 

Affair Evolves When Repeated

It is so natural that the rage occurs when the extramarital affair is revealed. However, it is not well known that the affair tends to be evolved. Most of the time, the cheated focuses on why the cheater did what he or she did. Frequent fights occur and as a result both the cheater and the cheated are hurt. Sense of betrayal will bring more serious problems.

It would be fortunate if the cheater truly understands the mistakes and asks for an sincere apology. However, most of the times the cheater would want to get away from the stress and starts to be careful. The affair teaches the cheater to be more careful and to avoid stress. The cheater would try to avoid being caught the next time.

The cheater’s simple begging is only from the intention of being away from the stress and trouble and usually the cheated wants to cover up the situation. The couple will live normally as if nothing happened. In this case, the affair is due to be repeated most likely.  

We have seen many cases where the repeated affair is caused from the wrong measures taken at the initial incident. The cheaters had been teaching themselves how to cheat “better” next time. The rage, fights, quarrels and even violence cause the affair to evolve itself. Therefore it is very important to treat rage first and with a clear and cool head the cause of the affair has to be analyzed so that the further affair would not occur once and for all.

This is the only way to prevent additional affair problems. Again it is not wise to solve the affair problem by the couple’s effort alone. Rage and fights will only teach the affair to be evolved.

The Adulteress Is Only A Comforter

Are you feeling rage because your husband cheated on you? Are you fighting, blaming and nagging at your husband because of his affair? You should know that the adulteress is literally adulteress. She can never be his wife. A wife is protected by law, has the right and duty to live with the husband. How can an adulteress be compared with a wife?

Extramarital affair is a big misdeed, a tremendous mistake. The fact that the husband is comforted from the adulteress itself is a big problem, a big mistake. A proper husband has to be energized and comforted by his own wife on a daily basis.

It is just that rage that happens does no good in dealing with the affair problem. The rage only hurts the wife herself and also pushes the husband into the corner which will make him to seek more comfort from the adulteress. This is one of the reason why rage has to be treated.

Sometimes, wife feels inferior to the adulteress. Is she that good? The wife rages because she feels inferior to the adulteress in appearance, sex and others. In fact, the wife should never think of this. When a husband is tired and need to get relaxed and release the stress, he cannot find it at home. He goes to the adulteress only to solve what he needs. This is the reality of the extramarital affair.

If you think the other way round, the husband releases his stress through the body of the adulteress just to return home. She is a comforter. So do not compare a wife and the adulteress. We dare say that the comforter is worse than the prostitute. Prostitutes are paid to have sex. The adulteress are provided with things from the husband and she provides sex because she thinks that she loves him. When the comfort is given, the husband returns home.

A husband has to be comforted through his wife. We are not writing to support the husband affair but to insist that there is no need for the wife to feel inferior to the adulteress.

Sexless Couples – A Red Light

I find that over 90% of our clients are sexless couples. When we explain how dangerous and serious sexless couple can be, the clients at first do not get it. Sexless couples are found in every aspect of ages not to mention amongst twenties. Especially, sexless couples in their thirties, forties and fifties are directly linked to extramarital affair.
- we have sex only twice a month
- never had sex in months (years)
- we are comfortable without sex
These are all the typical words from sexless couples. Clients find the affair problem very serious but do not feel the importance of sex. This is found in both the husband and the wife.

Are you saying the followings? Then you are not OK.

- We have been married for so long, why bother sex?
- We are grandparents now, no need for sex?
- Why the sex? We have no problem living together.
- I can do without sex. I have other hobbies.
It should be noted that the affair problem comes when there is no sex. Regardless of how old you are, you have to be happy and have sex. Sexless couples are not normal. Are you normal? Extramarital affair mainly comes from sex; sexless couple problems.

Sexless is a red light and within some time, both husband and wife will suffer from affair. Would you not care if you are sexless but your spouse is having sex with another?

You’d better think about it!

Still Doubtful After The Affair Is Solved?

When one has an affair, the spouse expresses sense of betrayal and rage but inside feels depressed and shamed. Even if the spouse has finished his/her affair and one tends to think that the affair problem is solved but in reality depression and shame bring loss of confidence and healthy judgement. This causes continual doubt within the mind. This is why fight and arguments continue even after the affair is settled.

Same question is asked and this will make the situation even more troublesome. The betrayed would even go as to think of ending his/her life. The problem here is that the spouse does not understand the burden the cheated goes under.

Why is this happening? Well, punch yourself. You feel pain. Now punch your spouse. Your spouse will feel pain and by looking at your spouse you would think “well, that might hurt.” But you do not feel the same pain of the other person. Likewise, your spouse might understand that you are feeling painful but do not exactly know how much that pain is or do not feel the same pain and hurt.

Pain and troubles are the cheated spouse’s problem only and not of the spouse who had an affair. After forgiveness is granted, the cheated would continuously ask questions to which he/she have already have answered. When the answer that the cheated want is not given, there would be fight and rage again.

When this situation is repeated, the cheating spouse would not stand the situation any more and even with his or her own fault, they would ask for a divorce. Then how would you know that the spouse has completely finished the affair and turn to proper marriage relation again? People can be deceived and lies can cover the truth. Facial expressions and actions can be devised. There is one thing that cannot be deceived. Your body and the act of sex. When the wife has cheated, she would be more aggressive and would feel orgasm and will feel more comfortable. It can be interpreted that she is feeling happy and is now devoted to her husband again.

In the case of husband affair he is now showing interest in having sex with his wife whereas he had been almost sexless before. This means that he is feeling happy and that he is completely in the relationship with his wife. As such, when the sex with the spouse feels happy, comfortable and natural, it means that the cheating spouse is back and has finished the foul relation. The hard evidence that the cheating is not cheating anymore is the body and the sex. If you have this evidence, throw away your doubt.

Sexless Couple Is On The Way To Affair And Divorce.

Being a sexless couple means that there is no sex which is a right and a duty between a husband and a wife. To be exact, sexless also includes the cases where there are only formal sex. Sex out of duty is not a real sex. When there is no sex between a husband and a wife, conversation is lost and the couple feels sense of only being a member of family. This will make the couple lead a life only as a father and a mother. Mutual passion is lost and so is understanding and care. In the end, both will not give a try to do something to make the relation better and will not give in to the other. Feelings of fatigue, frustration and stress will prevail.

Sexless couples are living with couple problems or affair problems. It is easy to see an affair out of a sexless couple. It would not be an exaggeration to say sexless will be likely to evolve into an affair problem. There are some couples who do not regard being sexless as serious situations because they do not have imminent problem. For the sexless couples, it is hard to think that the other partner is having an affair. Truth of the fact is that the spouse might already be involved in one and that it might not have been revealed yet. Sexless is one of the major requirement for having an extramarital affair. The moment the couple becomes sexless is the start of a problem. The longer the period, higher the probability of extramarital affair.

Sexless couples need to solve this problem before bigger things happen. It is far much easier than to solve an affair problem. It is a way to prevent an affair and to lead a happier couple and sex life. Not treating or not trying to solve sexless situation is like letting your spouse have an affair.

So do be smart and prevent an affair problem while you can.

Sexless is already a couple's problem

Recently we had clients who wanted to have counseling because they were sexless. We want to show you how sexless couple can have a serious problem.

They were on their second marriage. The wife was in love with this man and got married to him after her divorce. However, her second husband had an affair and the wife in turn had an affair as well. They had to go over whose fault it was and had difficult times. They had come to the session thinking that they wanted no more divorce in their lives. The husband said that he was sexless with his ex-wife. He was having an affair with the present wife when he got divorced. She was the adulteress. He had no regret in divorcing the ex-wife. The wife said that she was sexless with her ex-husband. She was having an affair with the present husband when she got divorced. He was the adulterer. She had no choice but to get divorced after the relation was revealed. Thus, the adulterer and the adulteress, passionately enjoying sex, got married with each other.

However, the problem took place after a year in their marriage. They became sexless again. Soon enough the husband cheated followed by the wife. Sexless results in extramarital affair, divorce, re-marriage, sexless again and affair again. The vicious cycle continues. This is nothing but so natural, something that can be predicted so easily. An extramarital affair tend to repeat itself when the problem is not solved completely and properly.

In this clients' case, they had affairs because they were sexless. However, the reason why they were sexless was not found and solved. This lead to repeated affairs. Furthermore, they had not tried to solve the sexless situation. Instead, they resorted to extramarital affair. However passionate their sex might have been as affair partners before married, they may as well become sexless couples again.

In addition, another extramarital affair was the only solution they knew to solve the problem. Sexless not only brings serious couple problems but also provides a reason for extramarital affairs. The ultimate problem is that the former couple had not tried to find the cause or the solution to this. They had no idea how dangerous sexless is between couple. Are all the couples who do not seem to have problems and look comfortable, okay?

According to a research, almost 90% of the couple are sexless in reality. This is because sex with no enjoyment and out of sense of duty is also regarded as sexless as well. In other words almost 90% of the couples are at the risk of affair and divorce.

What is it like in your case? Are you enjoying sex with your spouse? Aren't you doing it out of duty? Aren't you almost no-sex? Or, aren't you believing that this would never happen to your couple? You should understand that this might be a big mistake. Affair and divorce does not happen out of the blue. It has already shown symptoms when couple sex becomes dull. You may say this is not true but the truth of the fact is, it is so easy to find how problem in couple sex has evolved in to affair problem.

This is why couple sex is so much important. If you do not want to regret after things happen and if you feel that your couple sex is troubling you, you need to find the cause and the solution to it. This is the only way to prevent affair, divorce and other couple problems.

Why Are There Couple Problems?

Love is in fact abstract and has no form. It is not tangible like a tele or a book. In this sense when someone says "I love you" it actually means different things according to each personal feelings. It can be feeling of sympathy, warm heart, kindness, physical feature or even being humorous. Feeling of love is different from people to people. Some would conceive kindness as degree of 5 out of 10 whereas others might take it at the level of 8.

Love differs between man and woman. Man is attracted by the outlook, the figure, cuteness whereas the woman would find love from care, consideration or social status. This means that man's love is from physical condition – sex and woman from relation- mind. Having this in mind, it is useless to dispute whether which love is true or not. This is because even if a woman has true love, the man she loves has different love.

Passion is a requirement for feeling of love but it has its expiration date. In this sense, these kind of love is only valid until the moment of marriage. After marriage, sex trouble might occur. Wife would want her husband to hold her but the husband would not want this. What makes couple work is on the bases is sex. The different love when conflicts, will provide the starting point of unhappiness whereas when overcame, happiness.

Sexless couple in itself is already unhappy and if this goes on, it is highly likely that one of the spouse will have an affair. I would like to put it this way. If one of the couple insist his or her love, it will lead to unhappiness. Couple happiness depends on harmony in sex which in itself has the different desire of love of man and woman. This is why sex is at the core of couple problems. When counseling couples usually say they have no sex problem but this not true.

Cheating Spouse Also Gets Hurt

In a exposure of an extramarital affair, the betrayed is hurt, feeling betrayed and get shocked. The problem is when the hurt and betrayed party exposes the affair to the people around and pushes the cheating spouse, the betrayed will again be hurt by the attitude of the cheating spouse.

In general there are two following cases.
1) The cheating spouse completely denies his/her cheatings.

The cheating spouse just wants to hide his/her faults. They feel the reality only then because his/her spouse has found out the truth and is shocked and feels guilty.

Continuous questioning, doubts and dispute will aggravate the guilt and surprise, and the cheating cannot stop denying and lying. This continuous situation will hurt the cheating psychologically and all that he/she can do is to cover the mistake and will not be able to cope with the incident actively. The situation will worsen as things will develop and the cheated will no longer trust the spouse which will again bring more dispute and turmoil.

2) The cheating spouse affirms his/her misdeed.

The cheating spouse has been suffering psychologically and feels even relieved that things has been disclosed as he/she wanted the act to be finished in some way. Usually the cheating would ask for forgiveness. Another possibility for this case is that the cheating has been considering seriously about divorce but was not able to speak out. In this event, he/she would calmly ask for a divorce to finish the marriage.

Regardless of the case, a cheating spouse is in a psychological hurt status. Of course, the most hurt is the cheated without any doubt, but the cheating spouse has been hurting his/herself from sense of guilt and misdeed and from the course of self- reasoning. When the affair incident is revealed, it is not wise only to concentrate on the cheated rage. This will also hurt the other more and thus it will not be possible to make a reasonable decision.

An affair hurts both the husband and the wife, the cheating and the cheated. Both of them are in deep psychological heart so it is not possible for the hurt to heal the hurts of each other.

Are you living with your pains?

We have seen some unhappy couples as their problem gets even more serious because of the pain in their mind. When the pain seems serious, couple problem appears to be more evident. Any pain from the past, it may be from childhood or from adulthood or from in between or from present, it is reflected to couple problem.

- sexual harrassment, rape

- parent’s divorced or one parent cheating the other

- family violence or abuse

- experience as prostitute

- divorce from spouse's extramarital affair

- spouse's extramarital affair found after divorce

If one of these falls upon you, you are already in psychological hurt whether or not you are aware of it and it is quite impossible that you carry on a normal couple life. In most of the cases, you don't recognize it as hurt and think that it would not matter at all. However, this is very wrong. It is affecting you and your spouse and continuous trouble might occur.

If you are hurt as in the cases above or from other happenings, and if you have not received psychological treatment, you and your spouse's life might become desolate as it will play as a major reason for unhappy life. At present, there seems to be no problem but it is likely that you might be facing troubles in the future regardless of being married or not. Living with pains is like living with a grenade. What is in the past cannot be redone and it should not be forgotten. This is not something to hide or to be ashamed of. Pains remaining within your sub-consciousness have to be treated. This is a road to your happiness and also to your children and your family.

What is most important is to live a happy life from now on, not only for you but for all. Your spouse has a right to be happy too. Everyone can be happy.

Why Husbands Repeat Cheating

For extramarital affair, there is no only-once-in-a-life-time. This means once a married man cheats, he will cheat again. This is why essential solution is needed so that this evil repetition won't happen again.

We have seen so many wives suffering because they are cheated over and over again.

- Husbands cheat again even after admitting his fault.

- Husbands cheat again even after his wife has forgiven him.

- Husbands cheat multiple times.

Another reason why husbands keep cheating is when they are verbally or physically violent, sex addicted and are having personality disorder.

Most of the time, wives endure and focus on their children and do not solve the problem properly. In general, husbands cheating is due to various reasons such as personality, couple or sex problems. However, it is highly likely that the cheater is unaware of his misbehavior. Even though he finds his reasons, he keeps repeating cheating because he feels more comfortable and pleased in doing so rather than making efforts to amend his doings. When a husband repeatedly cheats on his wife, she experiences lowered self-pride, less happiness and aggravated psychological rage and hurt. This makes husband to be even far away from his wife and he will not find her attractive. He will strengthen the idea that she is just a member of the family; mother of his children.

Adulteress gives him mental satisfaction and sex which is not comparable to the feeling he can get from his wife. Thus wife becomes less sexy. This is why cheating husbands blame his wife saying that it is all her fault and that he feels mental fulfillment from the adulteress. When this happens, husbands show increased tendency to solve his mental uneasiness through sex and finds his sex with adulteress is no longer mentally or sexually pleasing. This will make him to seek for a former or new adulteress.

In short, husbands seek mental fulfillment and sexual pleasure from an adulteress because he cannot find it from his wife. However, when he fails to do this with his adulteress, he will go for another and he will keep doing so over and over again. This is why husbands cheating cannot be stopped when this problem is not properly and completely treated.