Importance of Self-respect and Confidence

We find that most of my female clients tend to be lacking in self-respect and confidence and show high dependency on their husbands. They undergo through tremendous rage and deep depression. This is easily found during the course of self-finding assignment as a part of affair solution counselling.

“ No matter how hard I try, my husband still is having an affair. Right?”
“ My husband is angry at me because I am making efforts”
“ My husband is enjoying himself, Why should I try?”
“ I could not do it because my husband mad me outburst.”
“ I don’t think that he will come back even if I try”

These words are in fact the signs of dependency on the husband. These show the low self-respect and confidence. It is easy to see that all the talks are around the husband. In other words all the client’s words and behavior is focused on the reaction of the husband. This makes the client find it difficult to implement the tasks and feel distrust and uneasiness. The psychological pain will never stop.

In an affair counseling, it is important that the client recover self-respect and confidence. These are the basic and core psychological status that can lead to the solution of affair problem. Calm psychological status is the key in solving the problem and these two factors are the very core of it. Without the calmness of mind, the client will give in the willingness to solve the problem as everything will be decided by the reaction of the husband (cheater). Doubts and uneasiness will remain and negative feelings will make the client feel that the effort made is useless.

In the end, the wife (the cheated) is likely to give up. It is the calmness of mind that brings the strong willingness to solve the affair problem. This is the why achieving the calmness of mind of the cheated is the priority in solving an affair problem. The very first target set is the calmness of mind. It is done together with rage treatment, recovering of self-respect and confidence and reducing the dependency on the husband so that the past unhappy habit can be changed and that the client will find it possible to design her own happy life through self-examination.

It requires a lot of effort to amend the past wrong doings and personality. The expert counselor is beside to help the client but without the strong willingness to be changed from the client, it will be difficult to solve the problem. The rage treatment and recovery of self-respect and confidence and lowering the dependency on the husband is necessary. This will give the power to solve the affair problem.

Children's Hurts Has To Be Treated In An Affair Problem

As affair experts, we always feel sorry when the children are left untreated in an affair problem. Many clients are now under troubles and pains and their problems are solved towards couple happiness. Some get divorced but still they are aware of how to become happy themselves alone. Of course it all depends heavily whether the couple gets therapy together or not what the outcome of the therapy may be. However, it is the hurts of the children that is left behind.

Sometime ago, there was a TV interview. There has been some requests from the TV stations for interviews and so forth but after an interview with a cable networks last January, we were very disappointed. We have made up our mind to refrain from interviews and rather focus on providing information. This one, however, we had to think hard as it dealt with the children but we declined in the end. In a TV show, an affair problem appears as a limited and simple problem of couple problem. It is impossible to provide a proper solution through one shot of air. It will only create gossip, a social issue only. Couple happiness or the children problem related is not well dealt with.

During the period of confrontation and pain, the children get hurt and painful and nobody notices this. Wife is mad because of her hurts and rage and has no room to care after the children. The husband denies and blames the couple crisis which in fact has been brought by his own affair and he has no regard towards the children.

The problem here is that the children are exposed to couple fights, curse words and words of family breakage and divorce. They are becoming distorted by the hurt and the rage of their parents.

A month ago, we had warned the husband and wife that they need to take care of their children first but the children were already hurt and they were starting to show rage against their father and mother. After only that, this couple came to realize that they need to make effort for the psychological treatment of their children. When there is an affair problem, the husband and the wife shows confronts and rages and they are in crisis. It is a big misunderstanding and misjudgment that they think their children do not know. In fact, they do know that there is a big problem between their parents and they do know exactly what that is. They have no place to discuss and is under the fear that their family will break. They will blame their parents.

In reality, those divorced do not think much of the hurts that their children has received. These children, with their hurts deep in their hearts, will show problems when they grow up and become a member of the society. When something happens to the parents, the children gets psychological and mental hurts. As they get older, they might be faced with such problems as character disorder, complexes, and is likely to have abnormal family or social life. They will be faced with pains. The reason why the first thing to do in an affair solution is to find calmness of mind through rage treatment is not only to treat the pain and the rage of the adults but also for the children's rage treatment as well.

Children have done nothing wrong. They have to be protected by their parents and it is the duty of the parents that they lead a bright and right mindedness. It is the faults of the parents to lead and leave their children in their hurts because of their divorce or affair problems. The psychological hurts and rage is naturally treated when the couple happiness is made. Everyone should be reminded that it is the responsibility of each parents to make the happiness of their children and not to spoil them. Therefore, those who gets treated with the rage and hurts and help the children to be psychologically treated are wise and responsible parents. It is very wrong to remain painful and enduring which will let the children live with unsolved rage and hurt. So be wise. Be good parents.

Cannot Trust Your Husband Any More?

Even though the husband claims that he has finished the foul relation, he still continues that relation and lie. Wife naturally cannot trust her husband and will suffer even more from sense of betrayal and being cheated repeatedly. This will result in frequent disputes and quarrels, even physical fights. The pains and suffering aggravates. When the husband has really finished his affair, the wife cannot believe him anymore. Then the vicious circle of dispute and doubt will continue.

This Biggest Problem here is that both the couple has thought that everything will turn to normal once the affair is cut off. However, in reality it is not true. There must be a reason why he cheated which has to be analyzed and found out. Both the couple should have tried to solve this and the hurt and pain of the wife should be treated. Otherwise the wife cannot overcome the situation and forgive the husband.

Even though the wife tries, it is quite difficult to hold the feelings of disbelief and betrayal. Stressed, the husband will again find his pleasure and comfort outside - another affair. Communication turns impossible as the couple has different ideas and again will lead to worsened couple problem.

The wife would find sex not pleasing, will be sensitive to normal things, linking them to his affair. When things related affair - like TV programs - comes up, the husband will leave the place to avoid it. The wife might cannot help spitting out her unpleased feelings even if she wants to hold it.

All this in the end, will let the husband to leave the house and find more comfort outside, providing a reason for him to have another affair. The couple will turn sexless and overtime the wife will be depressed and will find the marriage meaningless. Couple relation will be nothing but pain and trouble. The future will seem dark.

All these results from the belief that the problem can be solved by the couple themselves alone. Truth of the reality is that it cannot be solved this way. This is a problem that needs a third eye, a help a counselor. From decades of our counseling experience, wife continues to doubt about the husband which will lead to continuous dispute and the couple will get exhausted in the relation.

Counseling is Absolutely Necessary.

Pains and hurt has to be treated, ideas has to be changed and what-to-do should be clarified.  This is the ONLY way to go back to normal or even happier life. Extramarital affair has to be solved through counselling alone. The couples should know that this is the problem that cannot be solved by themselves. Until the couple problem is completely solved, the wife should not dispute or doubt or feel stressed and has to find the solution through counselling.

 

 

True Forgiveness to Extramarital Affair.

Apart from rage and hurt from your spouse's affair, the cheated would be in conflict and in confusion as it is not so easy to divorce because of children, finance, social and other issues. As time goes by, there would be advices from people around and sometimes the cheating spouse would ask for forgiveness. This will make the cheated get rid of the idea of divorce. The cheated spouse would self-reason that it is useless to be in rage or in anger and get a divorce. In the end the cheated forgives and make up his/her mind to get along well.

However, to the eyes of the expert, it is not wise to be back to normal as if nothing happened without hurt, rage and betrayal treatment. In general, forgiving an affair means to look away from the incident and turn back to former couple life. This is like giving the cheating spouse his/her indulgence.

The problem here, in which the treatment of rage and hurt is disregarded, it is just like living with a bomb called couple problem not properly solved. This will bring an unseen barrier between the two, make things impossible to communicate, and the both the couple would become sensitive to small mistakes and problems. These will aggravate couple problems even more.

In this sense, a true forgiveness comes when the rage and hurt is properly treated, and the cause of affair is analyzed and to understand and care for the cheating is possible.

By this, I do not mean that the cheating should not be forgiven at all. What I mean is that it is important that after forgiveness, happy and pleasing couple life should be sought so that misfortune can turn into fortune.

Thus, if the couple has not developed a happy life after the affair problem, it means that the affair problem is not solved and there should not be forgiveness yet. Simply forgiving IS the easiest way to solve the affair problem.

However, forgiveness should not be used as a way to simply get away from troubles and pain. It is so painful and difficult but looking away from affair problem because of this is like throwing away future couple happiness.
Therefore true forgiveness comes only after the rage and hurt is treated, cause of affair is found and when mutual understanding and care is accomplished. The changes in the cheated will bring the change in the cheating and when the new life is possible, forgiveness comes naturally. Do you want to forgive your cheating spouse? Treat your rage and hurt first. This is the first step to the True Forgiveness.